Soniah Kamal

Writer. Editor. Speaker.

June 16, 2013
by Soniah Kamal
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Father’s Day, 2013

I had a rough adolescence with my father not sure what to do about his head strong first child and eldest daughter and puberty.

I grew up. He grew up. I love my father. And he clearly loved and loves  me. I know that. And it has made all the difference to my soul.

I saw my grandfather and my mother enjoy a beautiful relationship (to read about it scroll down for my memoir  ’Kashmir Calling’).

On this father’s day I got a gift.  My husband and kids surprised me with a kindle paper white (I’m resistant to all technology until it’s finally forced down me, then I suddenly fall in love after all. Hello, there Iphone:)

I won’t go on about my kids or their Dad– perhaps my kids will chronicle that relationship at some point in their lives. But thank you.

I will say about fathers what I feel about mothers: a father, or a mother, is any kind, caring adult  who takes the time to spend their time with you. An adult  who listens to you. And most of all, in the case of South Asian parent/figures, does not exact their standards of morality onto you. But rather understands where you are coming from and gives you their take on the world without curtailing your world.

Parental Support (support of any kind)— one of the most important and greatest gifts one can receive.

To all the good, kind, caring Dads, the Dads that buy bunny faced bandages for their children’s boo-boos, the Dads that take a napkin and dab away the tears on their child’s face because she’s lost a competition, the Dads who make up bedtime stories for their kids and ask them what they think and for their opinion and contributions so it becomes a family affair– you are irreplaceable!

kindlefathersday

credit Soniah Kamal

 

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credit Soniah Kamal

credit Soniah Kamal

credit Soniah Kamal

June 3, 2013
by Soniah Kamal
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Advice for Writers, MFA Candidates, and just about anyone who is sick of rejection.

hijablaptopWhen you’re invited to be interviewed you don’t really know what questions you will be asked but you hope they are writing related and not about the politics of Pakistan which is why Suprose’s  questions made me so happy. Suprose is a wonderful site devoted to South Asian books and writers run by Visi Tilak, a wonderful writer in her own right. Visi/Suprose asked me what advice I would give MFA candidates/writers and I have to say I was a little shy about giving advice to anyone but finally went with what I wish I’d been told years and years ago and then told again till I got it.

“Know that early success, if success comes at all, comes to very few. Define what success means to you. Write a story you are proud of. Not every book is going to be turned into a film. And if it is then not every film is going to win the Oscar. Remind yourself that you write because something about the process keeps you riveted. You write because you don’t like the way the world is and so you turn it into a fair and just world on the page. You write because you believe that reading feeds the hungry soul and so you are a chef of words. Know that there is so much rejection in this field that you may as well take a sandpaper to your fingertips and then sandpaper your bloody fingers again and then go on typing. Rejections hurts but rejection is not the end of the world. It is not. It is just one agent/editor/judge’s opinion. That said have the humility to recognize good craft advice when given. Learn to walk the line between hubris and humility: I’m a decent writer/There is always something to learn. Do not let petty people get you down….”

you can read the full interview here.

I’m in fine company- Suprose has ‘tete a tete’ interviews with:

Chitra Divakaruni

Manil Suri

Clark Blaise

Bharati Mukherjee

V.V. Ganeshanathan

Tahmima Anam

Tony D’ Souza

Kamala Nair

Mitali Perkins

Anita Desai

Thirty Umrigar

Tania James

Tabish Khair

Shauna Singh Baldwin

Sarita Mandana

Indira Ganesan

Jyotsana Sreenivansan

Anne Cherian

Alice Albinia

Keshni Keshyap

to name a few!!

 

May 27, 2013
by Soniah Kamal
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Memories on Memorial Day 2013

In 2004 my brother in law, a Captain in the Pakistan Army, died in the line of duty. He was 32 years old. In the U.S., Memorial Day is a day to commemorate and remember those who die during  active military service.  On this day the Living enjoy festivals in parks, discounts in museums, sales at malls and families get together whether or not they even know any women or men in the army.  Though the act of losing and remembering is sad, Memorial day is essentially celebrated as a happy day. So have a good memorial day. And thank you all of you who keep all is us safe.  read my interview of Christal Presley and PTSD here.

BooksPTSD

 

May 15, 2013
by Soniah Kamal
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Plus Size Models and Size Matters

Jennie Runk is a plus size model. She was ‘discovered’ and given two options: 1) drop down to a size 4  or 2) maintain her size 10-12 . She went with the second because she knew she could not drop down to a size 4.  In a world where size 0-4- is revered her sane choice seems a remarkable achievement: obviously the girl knows her body and is sane. Sure we might say a model is a model is a model but that’s not true: any skinny girl is a model (the  talented and beautiful Adele was not spared her plus size and she’s not even a model) while a plus size beauty is a plus size is a plus size is a plus size. So kudos to H & M for featuring Jennie in swim suits on their front page and not making a big deal of  her size i.e.  normalizing what is still such a great debate: the supposed oxymoron: plus-size model. (lest you think H & M are angels, they are not in this case trying to photo shop Beyonce’s body– you know would be really interesting: photo shopping models and actresses into size 12-16s– and not the frumpy burned hair burned out looks but rather the happy, healthy, ready for the day looks that most of us wear every day)

Jennie has written a lovely piece on how her unexpected fame has given her the chance to tell all girls that we should all be comfortable in our own skins. Some of us need to hear this every day all day. The very mature and sensible Jennie also says  ’There’s no need to glamorize one body type and slam another’. Some of us also need to hear this every day all day. Does anyone remember the now defunct plus-size magazine Mode   ? How I loved this magazine as I finally discovered in those rich bodies my own, only to one day deflate like a sad balloon when an older cousin who possessed the gene for being skinny made fun of me for celebrating plus sized girls when, apparently, everyone knew that those women, and I, were just obese and that the obese needed to stop celebrating the obese and get on a treadmill.

Trust me: Jennie Runk at 5’9” and a size 10-16  is so far from obese it’s not even funny.  Her height gives her the advantage of being curvy where a shorter girl, let’s say five feet four inches, at that same size will look like a mushroom, turnip and water melon: all monikers I have called myself over the years because a chubby chick learns early to laugh at herself before the others do and hold her head up high even when they do laugh.

Every so often the media celebrates a plus size model/girl for her chutpah at appearing in a swim suit in a magazine but this celebrated girl is also nearly always so very tall. I’m thrilled to see Jennie Runk but I also want to see the short plus size girls on the cover and in between the pages– I want to see the average girls and women who look like  me:  the average height of five feet and four inches and the average size of 10- 14.

Also of interest: Such A Nice Face. Sigh.

model Jennie Runk.

 

 

May 12, 2013
by Soniah Kamal
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Happy Mothers’ Day 2013

We celebrate mother’s day because we believe mothers are special creatures: founts of love, support and care. Our foundations. And many are. But many are not. If you have a mother who is– you are lucky and blessed. And if you have a mother who is not– remember you do not have to repeat the cycle. For me a mother is any person on earth who cares for a child and/or puts a smile on a child’s face– no matter how old the child because, deep down,  we are all nothing more than little children who want to be loved, hugged, kissed and just held.

So be a mother today!

Happy Mothers’ Day

future, past, past, future. mother, daughter, daughter, mother

future, past, past, future. mother, daughter, daughter, mother

to my three kids who made it, and my three who did not, and to all my nieces and nephews, to the many children I’ve taught in a class or had the privilege of reading to, or helped onto a swing, or pushed down a slide and caught at the bottom: thanks for making me a mother for a life time or a moment

and to to my own mother who always did her best: thank you.

April 14, 2013
by Soniah Kamal
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Thank You PSY for Teaching My Son How To Be a Gentleman

PSY’s video for his new song ‘Gentleman’ is so offensive I’m not even going to link to it. His breakout video/song ‘Gangnum Style’ was quirky, catchy, and for all its bits of humping and pumping, not overtly sexual. This new video is not just ridiculously over-suggestive but mean spirited, especially towards women. PSY dances around popping open a bikini strap, making a girl fall off a treadmill, throwing his coat in a girl’s face, slipping a chair from under a girl (who also falls) etc…etc… and, through these and other mature, gentlemanly antics, PSY just titters and laughs.

I don’t think it’s funny. At all. At this point in time PSY’s reach is humungous and, accordingly, his influence huge. Especially with adolescent boys, an age group already prone to indulging in thoughtless pranks they think are cool and funny and will make them funny and cool.Far be it for me to suggest that PSY have made a video opposite to this where he’s helping people put. That would have made PSY unfunny and uncool not to mention that public service messages are not the responsibility of our stars and superstars.PSY is not evil, of course, and perhaps the lyrics to Gentleman are tongue in cheek (though I hope the chorus is saying ‘mother father gentleman’ and not what it sounded like the first time round) and I think it’s wonderful that my kids are excited to to listen to a song in a language they would not necessarily even know existed: But I don’t want them watching this video even once let alone be glued to Gentleman and watching its mean spirited pranks over and over again.Gangnum Style was great. We watched it together over and over again. We were glued.

But thanks a lot PSY. S**T like Gentleman makes it so much tougher for any parent to bring up true a ‘gentleman’ as well as to to teach the girls watching this that, if any guys treats you this way, not only is this guy not funny but he is not your friend and does not respect you.
Let me also add that PSY, through no fault of his own, is at the moment Korea (South) for a lot of people (yes, we are all representatives for the countries we come from whether we like it or not) and I will be telling my kids for sure that PSY’s video does not mean that Korean guys are like this.
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April 4, 2013
by Soniah Kamal
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Dubai: Paradise for Some, Slavery for Others?

I visited Dubai a few years ago. Being the loser that I am, I was more into the history than the malls. Some of the malls  were nice, and I especially liked the mini-exhibits on Islamic history, but really a mall, no matter what,  is still a mall and I’m not into shopping. Yes, I know, it’s a marvel to be able to ski indoors in snow while heat shatters the desert outside, but so what? As for the allure of clubs and drinks didn’t do much for me either. My favorite times were hanging out with my friend’s  Pakistani driver. He  told me tales which made me incredibly sad and mad. Since I hail from Pakistan also, hanging out with the driver was yet another reminder that no one chooses which family they are born into and no one knows where life, no matter how wise they think their choices, may lead them. Prior to my visit, everyone told me how I would love Dubai (sadly ‘everyone’ do not know me after all) , and how, once I set foot in this Desert Paradise (because there are prayer rooms in the malls and clubs at night), I would ache to move there. Not so. Simply because I do not like to be in a country where the law is different for different people.

Johann Harris has penned a beautifully written a soul piercing article on Dubai: ‘The dark side of Dubai’. It might make some angry. Some might call her a liar. Some might say it is propaganda against the  a prosperous Muslim country. But there will be many who will nod in recognition. Particularly distasteful to me were the  statements the ex-pats make about servants and the servant (slave) culture,  though my disgust makes me examine why I held them to a higher moral standard to begin with.   The living conditions described at the workers’ camps were sickening. And a  hierarchy based on the color of one’s skin and the country of origin is wrong, wrong, wrong i.e. paying a white person more than a brown/black/blue person for the same amount of work…

To lie about wages, to dupe someone over living conditions, to shackle them in debt from the get go is reprehensible. To take away a passport is entrapment and enslavement.

‘A Human Rights Watch study found there is a “cover-up of the true extent” of deaths from heat exhaustion, overwork and suicide, but the Indian consulate registered 971 deaths of their nationals in 2005 alone. After this figure was leaked, the consulates were told to stop counting.’

Every section every sentence, every observation in Harris’ article is quotable.

There is no such thing as Utopia or real equality– some people are wealthy, some people are poor, some are masters, others are servants. But slavery is slavery is slavery.

I know how easy it is to turn a blind eye to ‘slavery’ and inequality.  Especially if you believe that poor people are poor because ‘they don’t work hard enough or just want to be.’ How the credo of ‘none of my business’ trumps everything else as long as your life is not effected. How insurmountable the odds look, even if you are a conscientious citizen, especially if you risk rocking your own boat.

Is Dubai the only place where such things can happen? Nope. Happens in the U.S. too. Back in 2007 I blogged about John Bowe’s book ‘Nobodies: Modern American Slave Labor and the Dark Side of the New Global Economy’ about a group of Indian workers lured from  from India to Oklahoma with the promise of green cards only to learn that this wasn’t quite true…. But they also learned that their story could end happily after all.

Not so much in Dubai.  Please read Johanna’s article. Whether you agree or disagree it will make you think. 

March 20, 2013
by Soniah Kamal
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Such a Nice Face. Too Bad About the Rest of You! The Politics of Skinny and Fat

Love yourself. Is it really as simple as that. The truth in this era is that a fat angel will be considered an overweight, out of control slob and the skinniest of devils a veritable angel. It’s so not fair to have our morals equated with the girth of our waists, but the hard fact is being fat apparently makes us ‘not good’.  And calling  fat or overweight adults or kids names– Fatty, Blubber, Fatso, Hungry-Much, Hippo, Gross– is considered no big deal.  Before I get clobbered by skinny people who say they have it just as bad if not worse– I’m sorry but having been both fat and thin at various times in my life (that is fat for most of my life with the occasional thin), in my experience being fat is always a case of ‘such a nice face, too bad about the rest of you‘. What the hell does that mean!!

Have you ever seen a fat person eating cake, laughing, having a good time, only to think: should they be eating that? Skinniness just doesn’t carry the same judgement call. Moreover the over-reaching social mantra is that losing weight and being thin will solve all your problems as well as the problems of the world. Not so (as skinny people well know). But fat people are  duped into believing their only impediment to happiness is their fat.  You can lose the weight and still not be happy as Jen Larson also found out.

The absolute worst thing is watching your child grow up fat or overweight  and trying to teach her/him to love themselves and be strong no matter what ‘names’ they are called by other kids, or what ‘nice, considerate’ grown-ups have the audacity to say:  now should you really be eating that slice of cake?  (even as they encourage the skinny child to have another big, fat slice). FYI cake is not nutritious and therefore not good for the fat or the skinny). My two cents courtesy of a gorgeous article by Jennifer Wiener about herself and her daughter  .  As well as the fourth grade boy who informed me today, while I was volunteering at his elementary school, that Stanley Yelnats in the amazing novel Holes is a ‘bad’ character and has ‘no friends’ simply because Stanley is  ‘fat’. Kid got a lesson of a lecture he never saw coming. I’m not a skinny person, I will never be a skinny hip bones sticking out person and I’m sick of people assuming all I do is eat all day long. And even if I did, why should that make me lesser than a skinny hip bone person?

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February 18, 2013
by Soniah Kamal
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On Parental Abuse and Forgiveness

Slate’s article on abusive parents and their grown children often ‘needing’ to forgive them is, to say the least, disturbing. How is a woman supposed to forgive a father who sexually  abused her or a mother who turned a blind eye? In my culture to be anything other than thankful to your parents is considered a great sin and  to blame them for anything is often a black mark against one’s own character no matter what the situation. Religion also hammers into the goodness of parents since  Prophet Muhammed said heaven lies beneath a mother’s feet while respect for a father is pretty close behind. And so a dichotomy of sorts, if you will between my two cultures, one which makes a child break into hives if they think anything but good thoughts about their parents and another which encourages a child to judge their parents. And then there is the gray area: a parent who will not allow their child do such and such a thing for the child’s own good. I will not let my child smoke, some other parent will not want their daughter to choose her own spouse. Does abuse rest on how far I am willing to go to make sure my child does not disobey for their own good? And what do you with a parent who believes you will be miserable if you do not follow the rules and thus it is their duty to make sure you follow. For some of us, the struggle between social mores versus individual desires started at home at a very early age. I know girls who were not allowed to be air stewardesses and guys who were not allowed to learn musical instruments and they are bitter and resentful and really do not like their parents but this thought causes illness inducing guilt– in my culture there is no such thing as hanging up the phone or a clean break. (Not just my culture– In the film Waiting to Exhale a mother has just told her daughter why she’d be a fool to break up with her married lover no matter how he was treating her, and when the frustrated daughter (played by Whitney Houston) hangs up, what does she do: she calls her up mother to apologize for being rude).

“Those who refuse to make peace with a failing parent may also find themselves judged harshly. In his memoir Closing Time, Joe Queenan writes of the loathing he and his sisters felt for their alcoholic, physically and psychologically abusive father. When they were grown, Queenan writes: “We talked about him as if he were already dead; such wishful thinking was rooted in the hope that he would kick the bucket before reaching the age when he might expect one of us to take him in,” although they agreed none would. When the father finally died, he wrote, “Clemency was not included in my limited roster of emotions.” In a review of the book in the Wall Street Journal, Alexander Theroux writes, “It is a shameful confession to make in any book.” read rest of Slate article here

 

I could not help but be reminded of Philip Larkin’s poem ‘This Be the Verse’

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
    They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
    And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
    By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
    And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
    It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
    And don’t have any kids yourself.
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